It really is terrible how my mind works sometimes and I have to constantly stop myself and pray to God for forgiveness. Needless to say, it's a struggle.
I've been reading this book called "Trusting God" by Jerry Bridges. The whole book (so far, I'm only on chapter 12) has been a great lesson on the sovereignty of God and our proper response to the many different occurrences in our lives. Even though I've been reading so much incredible knowledge and wisdom, I can't say it's really hit home. I've never had to struggle with any major calamities or tragedies. I've been blessed so far to live a quiet and peaceful life. Of course, that doesn't mean everything has been perfect, but compared to the struggles many others face, my life has been just peachy. It is still good to know this information, though. We have to get it into our hearts and minds that God is in control of every situation before the tragedy strikes, so when it does we will be [somewhat] prepared to deal with it.
Anyway, all that to say, when I read chapter 11, it really hit home. The title of the chapter is, "Trusting God for Who You Are." Bridges starts off the chapter by talking about Psalm 139:13-16.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
These are beautiful verses that should remind us that God made us all with a specific purpose in mind. Nothing about us is a mistake. "He was directly involved in creating you and me."
Bridges quotes Rev. James Hufstetler, "You are the result of the attentive, careful, thoughtful, intimate, detailed, creative work of God...He made you the way He did because that is the way He wants you to be." God made us a certain way because He loves us and wants to glorify Himself in our lives.
Bridges says, "This is the believer's foundation for self-acceptance. I am who I am and you are who you are because God sovereignly and directly created us to be who we are. Self-acceptance is basically trusting God for who I am."
And here's the quote that really got me. Again, James Hufstetler says, "You will never really enjoy other people, you will never have stable emotions, you will never lead a life of godly contentment, you will never conquer jealousy and love others as you should until you thank God for making you the way He did."
Wow. I often sit around wishing I was this way or that way...wishing I could change one thing or another about myself...wishing my situation was different than it is. But the truth of the matter is, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Everything about myself is the way it is because that's how God wants it to be. Ultimately, I was made to glorify God and He has chosen this body, these talents, these skills, this mind...and I don't need to question it.
The chapter goes on into more details and different aspects about our lives (such as our vocation and God's will), it's incredible.
I just wanted to share this with you all because I feel I should be more transparent and honest with my struggles. God really opened my eyes through this one chapter and if anyone else out there struggles with these things, I pray this can be a blessing to you as well. And if you wanna talk about it, I'm here. :-)